HOLIDAY SHOP OPEN UNTIL DEC 16, 2025

Advanced Calculations for Women in Heterosexual Relationships

2020

Cited in Labors of Fear: The Modern Horror Film Goes to Work (2023)
A published short story about the innumerable and silent calculations in a relationship, masquerading as a humor piece. Trending on the front page for 3 weeks. ~750 words.

“Take the function of Mary. Take the function of John. Does Mary remember who she was before John?”

“If Mary stays silent about her needs (emotional, physical, etc.) and anything that is bothering her, John will think she is “super chill,” “low-maintenance,” “independent,” and that their relationship is going well. “X” is the cost of Mary’s silence. Solve for X.”

Read it online at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

Note: As of August 2020, this piece has been responsible for at least one reader’s breakup (submitted by email).